Monday, January 12, 2015

Why I (Often) Like Sex on the First Date

Español: Reconstrucción de la cópula de dos Ty...
Español: Reconstrucción de la cópula de dos Tyrannosaurus rex en el MUJA, Asturias, España. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
If you couldn't tell from the title and this picture of dino porn, this post is going to contain the words fuck and shit and lots of frank talk about sex. If that kind of thing offends you, I suggest you leave the room now.

I'll wait.


We all cool now?  Good.

For the record, I do not always have sex on the first date. Or the second date. Or, sometimes, ever, with someone I may date.

I may not even kiss him.

But often, I do choose to have sex on the first date. Why?
  1. I'm feeling good chemistry between us, and want to see if it carries over into the bedroom (or where ever we decide to fuck).
  2. I want to have sex.

I've noticed there's a fair amount of slut-shaming going on, even among people in polyamorous communities (who should know better). While they reject many of the old tropes about relationships, like the idea that you can only be in love with one person at a time, they still embrace others, like that having sex on the first date indicates a lack of self-respect.

And true, for some women and men, it does mean that. Maybe for you, it does.

And it's fine for you to set your own standards, but you don't get to set mine. Or try to shame other women and men who have sex on the first date and have plenty of self-respect.


Baby, Baby My Time Is Much Too Expensive...


Since I am, as one guy put it, "auditioning" for long term loves and FWB's (Friends With Benefits), and I have a lot of commitments on my day planner, I prefer to make the best use of my time.

And, reality check: It's L.A. Some guys are... all pitch and no script.  The sooner I discover this, the better for me.

Or we're just not a good match for other reasons. Take the guy I flirted with for about a month, before our first meet. Good chemistry and connection, via text and on the phone. Hella long distance drive from each other, given L.A. traffic.

At our first meet, in his neighborhood, chemistry was still... decent, if not offering that giddy, soul-clicking buzz of excitement we all want. We chatted and had a couple drinks. Went to my car and made out a little, I felt aroused, and I decided to go for the sexytimes.

The sex was... decent. A good time was had by all. At one point he tried a slightly kinky move he had brought up in discussion, that I had told him was off limits. I stopped that shit right away. he didn't try it a second time.

Afterwards... we haven't communicated much. I think we've both been thinking the same thing. Nice person, and yeah, we had decent enough sex together, but... Worth the drive, on the 405? Not so much.

I could've invested sexless weeks or even months getting to know him better, and still come to the same conclusion.



But Men Won't Respect You If You Put Out On the First Date


Yep, the double standard is still alive and well, I would be kidding myself if I believed otherwise. However, any man who will fuck me on the first date, and not respect me for behaving in exactly the same way, is at best, a mindless sheep, and at worst, a sexist douchebag.

Thus, if in fact rejection on his side occurs, post-first-date sex, it's like a self-cleaning oven; the douchebag will remove himself from my life.

I don't even need to twist a knob.

Imagine, what if I "played nice," "held out" till date 5-6, and it was only then I discovered the guy was a sexist douchebag? See Time, Expensive, above.

I've had ONSs (One Night Stands) turn into long term relationships. I've had relationships morph from romantic and sexual into enduring platonic friendships, and back to FWB, to... who knows?  Relationships are extremely fluid things, regardless of if and when sex enters the mix.

The kind of partners who interest me are not checking the mileage on my vagina.


I Don't Need Friends


Not exactly true, of course; everybody needs friends. But I have plenty of wonderful, loving, non-sexual friends, already. Am I open to making more, if I meet them in the course of my dating and social life, online, and off? Absolutely, and I've made some terrific ones, male and female alike. If we've had this discussion, recently, and become new friends, I'm chuffed about it. Yay, friends!

But I am not on OKCupid to make friends. Pretending that you want X when you really want Y, whether to yourself or others, almost guarantees you will not get what you want.

I know what I want.



Okay, another slight exaggeration. Not ALL of them.

I want lovers with whom I have excellent sexual chemistry, and lots of common ground on sexual desires and preferences (Fisting? Oh, hell no!). Recently, I've tried being intimate with a woman, and it was... tolerable, but I know, now, beautiful and sexy as I find other women, I don't want to have sex with them.

I don't want decent or tolerable sex, I want great sex.

(And I've been blessed enough to find some in the last few months. *kisses* You guys know who you are.)

I want lovers whose bodies work well with mine. Recently I banged a guy whose penis was extremely long and slender. Did not enjoy feeling it hammer against my cervix, thank you very much, and though we managed okay in some positions, his skills weren't impressive enough that I really wanted to go for Round 2. We parted amicably enough, and again, I am really happy I didn't waste too much time dating this guy in order to find out that once was enough for me.

I am not the right-sized or shaped lover for every man, nor is every man the right partner for me, and that's okay. There's a reason there aren't thousands of Danehuahuas barking around. If our bodies don't mesh in a way that makes us both say, hell yes, I want to do this over and over and over again with you, it doesn't mean I am bad at sex, or you are.  Just means that maybe we should each look for partners who are a better fit for our bodies, and for how we like to play.

I wrote the condom candy dish into a novel for one of my characters.
Then I decided that I wanted one of my own.

Some caveats here:


  • If you are a creeper guy, reading this... Just because I like sex, often on the first date, and am open about my sexuality, does not mean I will (ever) want to have sex with you.  
  • If you are a guy I've dated and did not fuck on the first date (or ever), this does not mean you are not attractive and sexy; just means you did not do it for me, at that time. (Or maybe, I didn't do it for you. Fuckability factor and arousal are very subjective things.) Or that I really, truly, had a headache. (Or that you're a creeper. Yes, you guys know who you are, too.)
  • I'm a mature woman with a fair amount of sexual experience under my garter belt. What is right for me, at this time in my life, is probably not the right choice for a 17-year old virgin just beginning to explore her sexuality.
  • If you are the kind of judgmental hater about people who choose to have sex on the first date, you can take your judgments and slut-shaming, fold them until they are all corners, and shove them up your tight, prissy ass. (Wow, that sounds a little angry, hunh?)
  • I don't expect great sex on the first go (not that I am turning it down); sometimes great sex is something that only comes about after lovers learn more about each other's bodies. But it is usually possible to tell that great sex is not going to happen, no matter how much time, patience, and energy are invested, from the first few rounds of mattress dancing.
  • Always be safe when meeting new people. I Google them, check out their social media profiles, and text a friend or two with info about who I am meeting, how I met him, his name and profile, where I am meeting him and when, and follow up with an "all is well" or "that was a fucking disaster" text afterwards.
  • Safe(r) sex, always.  Take care of your body, use condoms, disclose exposures and get tested regularly for STI's (Sexually Transmitted Infections, now called that because you can be infected - and infect others - without having any symptoms).

Climbing down off my soapbox now.

Are you ashamed of your One Night Stands or First Date Sex Stories?
Your Thoughts?