Thursday, January 24, 2013

Babies Come From Armpits & Other Sex Myths

crazy armpit-smelling friends
crazy armpit-smelling friends
(Photo credit: jekert gwapo)
Who's having a baby?
In a recent edition of Newsweek, one Chinese woman said that her mother led her to believe that babies come from a woman's armpit.

Anybody else hear the interesting tale about "the birds and the bees"? (Neither of which reproduce anything like the way mammals do, so I am puzzled  how that phrase ever came about.)

I had a fairly decent idea of "how things worked" in the sex department, but one thing I didn't know was that sperm comes with an expiration date of 2-3 days, tops. As a teenager, I believed that once you had sex, the sperm just hung out in your uterus, like Jaws, swimming, waiting, hungry for that helpless ovum to come floating along...

For years I lived in fear of sperm. And sharks.

Plus I found the mere existence of sperm whales absolutely terrifying.

A pregnant woman
A pregnant woman (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Recently I saw a (presumably adult) person insist that pregnant women carry babies "in their stomachs." No, dude, that is where women carry food.

Technically, the external part on a pregnant woman that sticks out is her belly. The stomach, lungs, and liver are internal organs which don't hold babies. Ever. (Well, technically, the stomach could hold a baby, if the baby had been eaten, but that's not pregnancy, that's cannibalism.) The uterus is the internal organ which may carry babies, or an IUD, spare change, those missing car keys...

Okay, the last two are incorrect. Though there are stories of women who have inserted unusual objects into their uteri, in hopes these objects would function as birth control devices.

And you really don't want to know about the objects people insert into their own or a partner's rectum as part of their sex play. (Or maybe you do, in which case, click this link.)

We've all heard other myths - babies are found under cabbage leaves (why not lettuce leaves, like a nice Romaine?) or brought by the stork.

(It's a myth that) you can't get pregnant during sex if:

  • It's your first time
  • You douche with a warm Coca Cola afterwards. (Actually, Coke is a very, very weak spermicide, but some of those swimmers are like Michael Phelps, they're already out of range. And the Coke douche could give you a raging yeast infection.)
  • You do it standing up (see Michael Phelps, above)
  • He pulls out before ejaculating
As many a consumer of Clear Blue or First Response will tell you, these "methods" of contraception are not effective.  Stick to the pill, the IUD, and condoms, mmm'okay?

sperm whale
sperm whale (Photo credit: doublebug)
Or how about the myth that you can get pregnant just from kissing a boy?

Or from going into a swimming pool, jacuzzi, or ocean, if a man has ejaculated into the water? Not so. (But personally, I would still avoid swimming with the sperm whales, just in case.)

Is bigger, better? 

This is a persistent myth which has led many men concerned about their, uh, shortcomings, to invest in Ferraris, scary big assault-style weapons, and bad toupees.

Ferraris (Photo credit: Axion23)
From personal experience, and my entirely scientific method of polling all my girlfriends, I would say, no, bigger is not better.  While very rarely there is an instance of a man who wants to play Hide the Salami, while his partner is wondering Where's the Beef?, most men cater just fine in the sausage department, provided it's clean, relatively solid, and their other skillz (kissing, handsies, melting hot looks) are rated Grade A.  (Or even Grade B, with a willingness to improve.)

On occasion, big is too big. Look, the people who yearn to sit on a telephone pole are freaks, okay? I once blew a boyfriend off (speaking figuratively, not literally) because when it came to Hometown Buffet, it would've required a team effort to consume all that mangoodness.

And except in certain positions and with extreme care, it hurt.

A woman wants a man who can go all night.

No, we don't. (See scientific method, above.)  Women want to snuggle.  We want to make love and make our partner equally happy and then snuggle.

The whole marathon of hours and hours and hours of nonstop sex because our partner is trying to maximize his Viagra and/or cocaine investment before contacting a medical professional is not a joyous experience for most women. We get sore and dry out (yes, even young women).  We don't need to hang from the chandeliers and assume every position in the Kama Sutra, every time.

It's a game of numbers

Here is another area where some men (and women) get ultra-competitive. "How many times did you...?" you may be asked.

Bowling Orangerie - OVS
Via Flickr Creative Commons
Sex is not basketball, but if it was, countless two-pointers do not make for a more exciting game.  Nor is it like bowling, where you are trying to beat your personal high score. Besides, if you had a really good time, you will not be in any condition to deliver a post-game analysis.

For almost all women (and most men, from what I've been told) quality is better than quantity. Would a woman turn down two (or three) teeth-clenching, toe-curling, OMG yeses! in one lovemaking session? Of course not.

But that's not what makes memorable sex. It's that intangible connection between the partners, a magic spark that has nothing to do with number of orgasms or positions or hours spent in the sweaty exercise.  And golly, is it fun when it happens!

What other sex myths did you learn?
What surprised you most about the Real Thing?
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