Monday, December 15, 2014

All The Peens, All The Time (Adventures in Datingland)

Sex isn't going anywhere.

But after a long period of NOT dating, NOT being sexually active, I came to see I was thinking, and sometimes behaving, from a famine mentality.

Part of it was that after being dormant so long, my sexual desire seemed to explode from a feeble ember to a raging forest fire. I'm learning how to "bank it," so that my desire isn't nearly extinguished, nor am I consumed by lust 24/7.

I also realized, and had to laugh at myself, that part of me was afraid that if I didn't grab and appreciate every penis that's waved in front of me (figuratively or literally), they would all go away.

Which is ridiculous, I know.

I live in a city of 3 million people, half of whom are male. Odds are pretty good that if I just want sex, I can prolly find a peen to ride.  But it is also likely that I can find what I really want, which is long-term partners, plural, with whom I can be physically and emotionally intimate, safe, and stimulated intellectually as well as sexually.

I don't have to frantically snatch up the next peen that raises its head. I can be selective (working on it), as well as practicing safe(r) sex.

If he won't wrap it, he don't tap it.

The whole thing is a wonderful learning and growing experience - not to mention, excellent research for my novels!

Some Lessons I've Learned:

  • Yes, it all still works. Yay!
  • No, men really DON'T care if you've shaved your legs or gotten a fresh pedicure.
  • Because somebody matches me 90%+ on OKCupid, does not mean he is a nice person.
  • Because somebody shares similar interests or is in the same groups as me, does not mean he is a nice person.
  • I don't need to knock myself out to meet the needs of men who are not nice. Or even men who ARE nice, but are focused on a kink or desire I don't share. "No, thank you" is a complete sentence. In fact, "No" is a complete sentence.
  • A man who talks sincerely, knowledgeably, and passionately about feminism and rape culture is a HUGE turn-on.  HUGE. 
  • It is okay to steer clear of people for no reason at all besides not liking their vibe.
  • I REALLY need to buy sexy new underwear, but most men don't care about my ginormous granny panties, as long as I am willing to take 'em off.
  • I want more physical, non-sexual contact with women: more hugs, cuddles, caresses. And now I have a way to get them, yay!
  • It's important to keep taking inventory of myself: Do I like this? Am I comfortable? Do I want something different? and to ASK for what I want, not assume someone else will magically figure it out.

    But damn, it sure is sweet when he does.

Also, Metamour. Literally, meta = with; about + amor = love. The partner of one's partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship.

I now have an awesome metamour, just sayin'. And although I have been on this journey primarily to meet romantic sexual partners, I have been meeting a number of wonderful new female friends, both in person, and on FaceBook. Total win.

And in Other Pussy News

Kittens are getting along great.

Creativity, on the left, Motivation on the right.

Mojo is still a little rough with Tivvy - and I think sometimes she dramatizes her cries, but she has grown tremendously in the weeks since I've had her. They keep me entertained and cheerful, during the times I am not kicking them out of the bedroom.

Have you ever dated after a long dry spell?
Did you have trouble reining in your desire, or having a famine mentality?
If so, got any tips?
Your thoughts?

Monday, December 8, 2014

I Rated Her Book 2 Stars. Then The Author...

English: Stack of books in Gould's Book Arcade...
English: Stack of books in Gould's Book Arcade, Newtown, New South Wales (NSW), Australia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
...sent me this wonderful email.
I want to take this opportunity to thank you for writing a review on "My Book."  I'm just getting started with my writing, and that's exactly what I need--constructive criticism.  Reviews are great--it's like getting a free critique!  Professionals like you can see mistakes writers are making where they may never see it themselves.  I'd much rather have honest reviews than a string of five star reviews I put my buddies up to writing.  I learned something valuable from you--I won't be writing any more of those "As You Know, Bob" conversations, that's for sure!  I'll make other mistakes, but it won't be that.

I've also pointed that author to some writer support groups, like WriterUnboxed.

One of the best tools for selling books is having plenty of reader reviews. Yet one of the hardest things for many authors to get is readers to review their books. There's plenty of reasons why:

  • Many people don't read, period. (Sad but true.)
  • Some people love to read, but are intimidated by the idea of writing reviews.
  • Some readers believe in only writing "positive" reviews (especially writer-readers).
  • Many people don't like reading certain genres, or, when it comes to romance, certain heat levels (either too sweet or too scorching).
  • Many readers have so many books in their TBR queue that they've become very, very selective about the books they review. (Note: I'm one of them.)
  • Many people don't want to hurt an author's feelings with a negative review.

And some reviewers are afraid of getting flamed by an author behaving badly.

There's plenty of things the author above did wrong in her book. Probably self-pubbing as a beta read experiment is among the biggest.

But what she HAS mastered is courtesy and professionalism toward reviewers.

There is periodically a kerfluffle about some author who goes off on a fan or reviewer. There's a certain, chick lit author (or was it her husband, or her assistant?) who went off on her Facebook page about a reviewer who remarked, that while she had been a big fan of the first five books, the last one had left her disappointed, because X.

Somebody slammed and shamed this woman, on and on and on, on that Facebook page, and you know, I'm pretty sure that that particular fan did not run out and buy that author's next five books. Nor, probably, will a lot of the readers who saw that exchange.  I, personally, do not intend to ever read or buy one of that author's books again. Like airlines and fast food restaurants, we have other choices out there.

But the author who wrote the book I gave two stars to?  Sure, I'd be willing to read another of her works (though not for a very long while, since my TBR queue looks like the jumble of books, above).

Does it hurt, like an emotional bee sting, when somebody doesn't like our work? Sure. But if we are in the business of writing, or creating any form of art that people enjoy, but don't need on a daily basis, like water or clothing, if other people can and do produce books or movies or paintings similar to our own, we better get inured to bee-stings, because some people are not going to like it. Period.

If you can't stand the bee stings, stay out of the apiary.

Have you ever given a low review on a book you didn't like?
Have you ever received one on one of your books?
Your thoughts?

Monday, December 1, 2014

Slut of the Month: Sappho of Lesbos

via Wikimedia Commons,
from a fresco in Herculaneum
Love that she's using a stylus & wax tablets!
Her lyrics were epic, intimate, erotic, and timeless. Even over two thousand years later, even in fragmented form, Sappho's poetry sings to the heart.

We shall enjoy it.

As for him who finds
fault, may silliness
and sorrow take him!
(Mary Barnard translation)

She was born about 615 B.C. and died about 550 B.C. Later in her life because of political upheaval, she may have been be exiled to Sicily, where there are records of her statues in some cities, though she may have returned to Lesbos before her death.

Of Course Sappho Was a Lesbian

Legends of Sappho and the island from which she came, Lesbos, gave rise to the term we use today for women who love other women sexually: lesbians.

But back in the day (around 630 B.C.), everybody from the island of Lesbos (culturally belonging to Greece, though as we can see in the map much closer to Turkey) were Lesbians, just as people from London are Londoners, and people from Athens are Athenians.

Contour map of the Aegean, with names
Contour map of the Aegean, with names (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Was Sappho a lover of women? Some of her poems seem to indicate so, however, it is also true that in some places and cultures (Regency England, for example), an extremely affectionate, almost flirtatious and loverly tone is demonstrated in women's correspondence and behavior, which denoted close friendships.

According to Wikipedia:
...her name is also the origin of the word sapphic; neither word was applied to female homosexuality until the 19th century.[38][39] The narrators of many of her poems speak of infatuations and love (sometimes requited, sometimes not) for various females, but descriptions of physical acts between women are few and subject to debate.[40][41] Whether these poems are meant to be autobiographical is not known, although elements of other parts of Sappho's life do make appearances in her work, and it would be compatible with her style to have these intimate encounters expressed poetically, as well. 
Her homoerotica should be placed in the context of the 7th century (BC). "Lesbian" was first used in the modern sense in 1890, and the early sources which describe her reputation for "physical homoerotic involvement" still "postdate her lifetime by at least 300 years", by which point such conduct was considered "disgraceful for a female."[42]

Now, of course, very few cultures still consider being a lesbian (in the newer sense of the word) anything shameful, so who cares if Sappho was one?  Like Elton John, her talent far outstripped whatever her sexual proclivities might have been.

Translation Station

Of course, Sappho's poetry was not written in English, but in Aeolic Greek, which even most Greeks cannot read today.

Here's a sample of three different translations of the same section of the same poem, from

...and the thrill of your laugh, which have so stirred the heart
in my own breast, that whenever I catch
sight of you, even if for a moment,
then my voice deserts me

and my tongue is struck silent, a delicate fire
suddenly races underneath my skin,
my eyes see nothing, my ears whistle like
the whirling of a top... (Josephine Balmer)


...the enticing

laughter that makes my own
heart beat fast. If I meet
you suddenly, I can't

speak--my tongue is broken;
a thin flame runs under
my skin; seeing nothing,

hearing only my own ears
drumming... (Mary Barnard)

...Your magical laugh--this I swear--
Batters my heart--my breast astir--
My voice when I see you suddenly near
   Refuses to come...

My tongue breaks up and a delicate fire
Runs through my flesh; I see not a thing
With my eyes, and all that I hear
   In my ears is a hum... (Paul Roche)

Sappho as depicted on a vase
via Wikimedia Commons

Her own poems and contemporaries describe her as small, and dark, while her ?daughter? Cleis (who may or may not have been named after Sappho's mother) was "yellow-haired" and thus more suited to wear flowers in her hair than a headband. Sappho may have had several brothers, and - perhaps - students or acolytes, but she almost certainly did not run the equivalent of a British girl's finishing school, nor throw herself off a cliff for love of a fisherman.

from Wikipedia:

The Suda [tenth century Byzantine encyclopedia] is alone in claiming that Sappho was married to a "very wealthy man called Cercylas, who traded from Andros"[15] and that he was Cleïs' father. This tradition may have been invented by the comic poets as a witticism, as the name of the purported husband means "Penis, from Men's Island."[16]

Sappho Understood Love

I confess
I love that
which caresses
me. I believe
Love has his
share in the
Sun's brilliance
and virtue (Mary Barnard translation)

Without warning
As a whirlwind
swoops on an oak
Love shakes my heart( Mary Barnard translation)

Sappho of Lesbos, depicted in a 1904 painting ...
Sappho of Lesbos, depicted in a 1904 painting by John William Godward gave the term Lesbian the connotation of erotic desire between women. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Her Brilliance Shines Across the Centuries

The Alexandrians, who weren't big on female artists, listed her as among the nine lyric poets. (Anybody ever hear of the other eight, all men?) Plato called her the tenth Muse, and her likeness appeared on coins.

It wasn't until about three hundred years after her death that Sappho acquired a reputation of being promiscuous and a lover of women. More centuries would follow, with Pope Gregory having a conniption over her wickedness, and burning what he could of her work in 1073.

Mostly, it seems that her lyric poetry fell into disuse/disfavor because other dialects of Greek became more widely popular, especially as the world became Roman.

And yet, Sappho's work has survived, with new fragments of her poetry being found and rejoiced over just in the last few years. She wrote:

I have no complaint
Prosperity that
the golden Muses
gave me was no
illusion: dead, I
won't be forgotten (Mary Barnard translation)

Curious about past sluts, from Russian Empresses to South African "curiosities" to Biblical villainesses? Listing of past Slut posts is here.

What did you know about Sappho of Lesbos?
Had you read any of her poetry or translations, before now?
Your thoughts?

Monday, November 24, 2014

Rape Culture: Courtroom Edition

Reporting for jury duty – and then, possibly, serving on a jury – is a civic duty, an honor and a privilege, and most of the time, a huge pain in the ass.

And sometimes, it just so happens that a case touches a raw nerve.

Last week I was called up as a potential juror on a civil case that would've run through December 5. This would've been very bad for my day job, and done extremely evil things to my budget.

But worse was yet to come.

As my pool of jurors was being screened, the judge (who was kinda hot, as was one of the defense attorneys, even if he was on the side of Evil) told us we were there for a sequel. In Part One, A woman had sued her former employer, a Big Corporation, for wrongful termination and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

I knew a little something about that, because about a decade ago, I went through something similar. After working for an employer for about ten years, my supervisor because erratic and verbally abusive, spewing off at me (and other employees) whenever she was in a foul mood; marking down my performance reviews (after a spotless record) for turning in projects late (which was a lie), and other fabrications to make me look bad, because...? So puzzling, because once, we'd actually had a good rapport  and working relationship between us; I had thought of her as friend-ish, if not exactly a friend.

I developed upper back problems, and tendonitis in both wrists, as a result of long hours at extremely unergonomic work stations, and had gained weight from all the stress. Which added another dimension to my supervisor's insults; she had once been on the overweight side herself, and I don't think a day went by in that last year, when she failed to make a derogatory comment about fat people.

After I was terminated, I was shellshocked, probably Depressed, frantic about bills and rent, in so much physical pain I could NOT work for several weeks. After consulting a shrink and a doctor, I found some lawyers, who informed me that while I could pursue legal action for the wrongful termination and hostile work environment, I was better off going for recovery for physical injuries, because intentional infliction of emotional distress was almost impossible to prove in court

I did not regain any emotional equilibrium for well over a year. Possibly longer. In hindsight, I wonder if I would've been more alert to the red flags in my now ex-boyfriend's behavior, if the earlier issues with my former employer had not still clouded my judgment.

Back to present day - This woman, who'd worked for Big Corporation for 20+ years, had sued for the deliberate harassment she'd endured in her last year, and she had won her case. Despite the fact that, lawyer-power-wise, she was totally outgunned. Despite the fact that intentional infliction of emotional distress was so very difficult to prove in court. Her jury found that the Big Corporation had deliberately made her life a living hell, trying to mess up her mind and emotions.

And then they fired her after they succeeded.

Gotta love the old school sinks. Scalding hot water on the left, ice cold water on the right.
I just wanted to wash my hands in WARM water.

And What, Exactly, Does Any of This Have To Do With Rape Culture, You Ask?

Or maybe you didn't, but I will tell you anyway.

As I'm sitting there, listening to the other (mostly male) jurors being questioned by the different attorneys, what I hear coming from most of their mouths sounds bizarre to me.

  • How subjective emotional injury is.
  • How suing people has gotten carried away, how everybody is looking for a big payout, and it isn't like they cut off a foot or something.
  • If she was being treated so badly, why didn't she leave?

Remember, the Victim has already proven in a court of law that the Big Corporation intentionally inflicted emotional distress on her, and fired her. She's not the bad guy here.

On the one hand, we have Big Corporation intentionally behaving badly. On the other, we have a Victim, who'd done her job well for over two decades. And instead of being mad as hell at the aggressor, at the guilty party, people are passing judgments and talking smack... about the Victim. WTF?!?

This is rape culture in action. Just as people have blamed high school girls for getting too drunk and suffering rape, as people ask why Bill Cosby's accusers didn't bring their stories up earlier, it seems whenever we are uncomfortable with an act of overt or covert violence against another human being, we hurry to brush it off as the victim's fault, somehow.

If we just don't do that thing that s/he did, then we can be safe.

Only it doesn't work that way.

This Can Happen To Any of Us

We can do everything right, and still be a victim of rape or harassment. Or, maybe we are not perfect, but we still do most of the things we should, and still face arbitrary violence or aggression, just because.

I wish I could say I’d gone all Jimmy Stewart on the court, stood up and made one of those grand movie speeches, about rape culture and how horrific it is for big Corporations to deliberately torture their employees, and how, yes, Virginia, emotional distress can lead to physical ailments, but I wasn’t nearly so eloquent. Partly because I'd begun suffering an almost-panic attack as I emotionally relived all the ugliness I'd gone through. Yes, a couple times a year I still have nightmares about that place, over ten years later, even though I have a great life and fabulous job now.

I did make it clear that I think big Corporations shouldn’t merely get a slap on the wrist when they condone abuse of their employees, but that it should hurt. And then, just maybe they won’t keep on deliberately mind-fucking their employees.  Otherwise, as long as it's more cost-effective for them, they'll keep on doing it.

However, I was afraid I’d get in trouble for using the term mind-fucking in a court of law, and I couldn’t think of a more appropriate term. (Obviously, I still can’t.)

I would've given the Plaintiff a boatload of money.

I did whisper "Good luck" to her after, it will not surprise you, I was dismissed from the jury.

I did soothe myself that day with two delicious treats: something hot and tantalizing (meeting a new man!), and something cold and sweet (Dreamsicle, yum!).

First Dreamsicle in years, and I enjoyed it
to the last bite!

Do you see what I mean about rape culture?
Have you ever sat on a jury?
Your thoughts?

Monday, November 17, 2014

Sex, Truth, & Open Relationships (Adventures in Datingland)

First off, I'm bragging celebrating a bit.

It's true what they say; it IS like riding a bicycle; all the muscle memory comes back to you.

It is also true that if you're not accustomed to it, either activity can leave you more than a little tender in certain spots. So you might want to take it easy before engaging in marathon sessions. (Not that I always take my own advice.)

[Note to self: Consider investing in some sexy underwear, unlike your everyday, white cotton, yeast-infection-resistant ginormous granny panties, Because sexy panties just might make undressing time a little less angst-ridden.]

OK - Get Lost

So, my OKCupid experience, plus that of Meetup, has been... interesting.

I've met or chatted with some handsome, smart, sextastic men. Apparently my age and weight issues are still not chasing them off.  (This means, ladies, if there's hope for me, there's hope for you.)

I've been messaged by some men who are... losers not sympatico with what I'm looking for at this time in my life. Seriously, dude, if you are a conservative, strait-laced Republican who lives in Oklahoma, we are not going to be a thing. And if your follow-up to my polite blow-off message is to beg that I please, please, give you another chance, because you are willing to relocate, this does not make you sound more appealing, it sends up my stalker alert flags.

Seriously, if you are a man or woman who would want people to date you or have sex with you, not because they wanted to, but because they felt guilted or pressured into it, because they had weak boundaries and didn't know how to firmly say no... Take a look in the mirror. You are part of rape culture.

Guys, if you are reading this, this is why you send out messages and usually never hear anything back; too many women have tried to "be nice," to let a guy down gently, and ended up having to deal with creepers.  Or dick pictures.  DO NOT EVER, EVER SEND DICK PICS, UNLESS A WOMAN HAS SPECIFICALLY SAID, "Yes, I want to see that."

It's not easy for us. Most women were raised to be "nice." I really don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, and am still learning to protect myself, rather than assume social responsibility for everyone else on the planet. Most of us have also dealt with persistent, unwanted admirers, or even been stalked, attacked, or raped by somebody we've barely smiled at.

We'd rather be considered just another heartless bitch, than stalker-bait.

Better yet, we'd rather live in a world where our bodies are respected as belonging to us, not to be assumed to be the property of the nearest male, be he a legislator or some horny dude who wants some.

This is why women walking the streets of New York (and many other big cities) may avoid eye contact and not respond to "friendly" greetings. Btw, if you have time, please look up the Twitter hashtag #DudesGreetingDudes, it's wonderful.

Another reason I have mostly stopped sending out "Thanks, but no thanks" messages is because one of the guys I was chatting with told me this was actually cruel. That from his POV, guys would see they'd gotten a message back, get their hopes up, and then get hurt all over again by the rejection, however kindly worded. That being totally ignored did not sting nearly as badly as getting back an "I'm just not that into you," email.  (YMMV.)

Consent Means Asking Clearly for What You Want, & Accepting the Answer

Here's a fabulous video that clearly explains, again, what consent is, and what it isn't.  Note: brief glimpse of dildos & sex toys.  Also, language near the bottom of this post will be quite frank and explicit, if not erotic.

Good relationships (sexual and otherwise) are all about respecting the autonomy of the other person. The goal should always be not to satisfy yourself, while the other person feels used, betrayed, or hurt (Win-Lose). The goal should be finding a way to satisfy your own needs while the other person also feels satisfied (Win-Win), whether than is in selling a car for a fair price, or entering into a polyamorous relationship.

Again, No = Thank You for Taking Care of Yourself

This means that, as much as I'd love to post the juicy details of my newly revived sex life here, I need to get the permission of the people I've become involved with, or am about to get involved with, on exactly how much personal info it is okay to share.

I will say this. The sexytimes. Woo-hoo!

Via Catskill Archive

via Wikimedia Commons


via Wikimedia Commons

The beginning - and end - of a recent date.

That said, I've already experienced some trickery and deception in recent connections, and have decided not to go forward with them. Because what kind of a relationship, even a FWB one, can I have with someone who is willing to lie to me to satisfy short-term needs?

Sex Contracts - They're Not Just for Bondage Any More

Most people have heard of the infamous contract that kinkster Christian Grey presented to virginal Anastasia in 50 Shades of Grey.   While cray-cray in many respects, it's not a bad starting point for a sane woman - or man - to examine his/her erotic desires, and draw hard & soft limits (aka, boundaries).  And for us to be discussing these things, in popular culture, is a VERY good thing.

For example, let's say you're in a monogamous marriage. What does cheating mean, to you? And to your partner?  Is oral sex, or other forms of sexual contact that do not include PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex, cheating, or are they "not really sex?" (Thanks, Bill C.) Phone or cyber-sex? How about an emotional affair - there is no sex, nor even sexy talk, but your partner pours out his/her heart to another person who is not you. Is that cheating?

You may think those things go without saying, but many marriages have broken up over these kinds of affairs, where one person considers X "not really cheating," and the partner partner thinks it most certainly is cheating, and feels a terrible betrayal of trust.

If you're in an open or polyamorous relationship, either solo, or as part of an established group, what are the rules? Does everyone already on board need to approve every new potential partner before any sexual activity begins? Or is it DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) - it's assumed you have activity elsewhere, but you are not to talk about it with your other partners? Is it a turn-on for your other partners if you bring home "bedtime stories?" Is it okay with your new lover to talk (or blog) to others about what you did in bed together? What are the agreements for STI testing and condom use? Dental dams (or Saran Wrap) for cunnilingus, a must-have, or okay to skip?

Assume = Ass + U + Me

As I begin this journey into Datingland, and exploring life as a solo polyamorous woman, I want to be careful both to protect myself, my current partner(s), and any partners I may be adding in the future, both physically, and emotionally.

That none of us has an extensive history together is is both a curse, and a blessing. It means that every single point of our relationships has to be discussed and negotiated.  This is more than a little overwhelming when I consider all the variants.

On the other hand, the fact that we have to build each relationship from scratch means I get to discuss with each partner or potential partner exactly what he wants from our relationship, what desires or fantasies we have in common, how he feels about me disclosing details of our relationship to other lovers or on this blog, if he wants to hear "bedtime stories," and most importantly, my own comfort level.

Are you happily married, or also adventuring in Datingland?
Have you ever had romantic or sexual assumptions bite you in the ass?
Your thoughts?

Related articles

Monday, November 10, 2014

Sex-Positive - It's Not What You Think

Or, maybe it IS what you think. Because I am not inside your head, so it's rather presumptuous of me to guess what you think.

My bad.

Here's what I thought: That being "Sex Positive" was thinking sex is great *raises hand,* promoting a wild & crazy sex life, and wanting to spread that belief to to the world.

Well, it kind of is, and kind of isn't. It's more about knowing who you are, claiming responsibility for your own body, being unashamed of it, and figuring out what you like, or dislike, based not on what others tell you is "good sex," but on what you decide for yourself. Those choices could include celibacy or asexuality, polyamory or swinging or monogamy, being gay or straight or "hetero-flexible," kinky or vanilla... you get to figure out who you are, and who you are not.

It's about being part of, and building, a safe community for all kinds of people to express their sexuality in a way that feels right FOR THEM. With vulnerability, but without shame.

[Note: I've joined a local, Sex-Positive group, read the materials and attended one orientation, which is not the deepest and most thorough knowledge one can have. So while I am striving to convey what I learned as accurately as possibly, it is entirely possible I have gotten something confused or am misstating it here. All such mistakes are my own, not the fault of SPLA.]

Sexy organizer Gabriella Cordova, who is "out" as Sex-Positive.

Here's what I learned at my Sex-Positive LA Meeting. (While you can be a Sex-Positive person without belonging to any formal organization, having that support can make this attitude a lot easier.)

Care, Consent, and Confidentiality

Let's take the last first: Confidentiality. Because there is such a stigma in current culture about sexuality  (something this movement aims to change), many members of this group use assumed names so that it does not affect them professionally, or with members of their family,  Therefore, no names or identifying photographs will be used here without permission.

Care. Being sex positive means caring for yourself, your family, and the others in the community. It means being responsible about being regularly tested for STIs, if you are in a non-monogamous relationship, AND using condoms; it means emotionally and physically caring for one another.

This is not a group to join if what you want is to cheat on an unsuspecting spouse or partner. Coercion, trickery, and lying are NOT caring, nor respectful. Not to your spouse, not to your partner, and not, actually, to yourself.


While morons and rapists may argue that "sometimes no means yes," no NEVER means yes with active consent.

Too drunk or whacked out with a head cold to say no, does not mean yes.

Cajoling or badgering until the other person gives in and says, "Okay, I guess," does not mean yes.

Only Yes, or, in some cases, Hell, yes! means yes.

Gabriella and the others emphasized that permission must be obtained for everything, not simply for what we typically think of as sex, but even things like a touch on the shoulder.  Every single time. And that bodily autonomy must be always respected.

But what about seduction, about romance? Doesn't this kind of thing spoil it?

You don't read much romance, do you?

Few things are sexier than the almost kiss. The two leaning toward each other, and then, just as their lips are about to touch, he whispers, "May I kiss you?"

She whispers back, "Yes, oh yes!" and their lips meet, ever so softly, tongues flickering to tease each other's top lip, bottom lip, dancing together, bodies pressed so tight against one another, for long, slow, sweet moments, until her nipples grow hard and her knees grow weak.

She pulls her mouth away from his, locking his eyes with her own. "I want to take off your shirt, and rub my nipples against your chest. And then I'd like you to lick them, and suck on them. Is that okay with you?"

I could go on, but I think you get the point (as our heroine will, shortly). Consent is sexy.

But What If You Get a No?

If someone tells you no, the kindest reply is, "Thank you for taking care of yourself."

Think about it. Much of the time, problems in relationships come up because Person A thought Person B wanted or liked X, but he didn't, and bad feelings were created.

When someone says no, it is because s/he has checked inside, decided s/he was not comfortable with what you were requesting. This means that YOU don't have to guess, you don't have to take care of her/his feelings; s/he is taking care of her/himself. And when you get a no, that means when you do get a yes, it is a genuine, enthusiastic yes.

This Group Is Not For the Intolerant

For myself, I am uninterested in a "Red Room of Pain," a la 50 Shades. This does not mean putting down people who are, nor going all judgey on people who don't like the things that I like.  Kinky is okay, vanilla (or, French vanilla), is perfectly okay.

In fact, I understand there are people in the group simply to be touched, held, and snuggled. Who will never be pressed to "take it to the next level," but are welcome to attend events built around the things that make them feel comfortable. Welcome are all LGBT people, the disabled, those with fetishes... Whatever your "thing" is, if you can't help make this a warm and welcoming place for everyone, it's not a good fit for you.

Orientation Not Optional

In order to join this group, you must attend an orientation. At the one I attended, besides Gabriella and the other organizers talking to us, showing us a short film clip, and a break for potluck refreshments, we shared a little bit of information on how we would label ourselves. Later, we practiced some lessons on boundaries, on saying no, on negotiating, on complimenting one another. And enjoyed a five-way hug.

I even got another compliment, later - one of the women who hugged me was very petite, had laid her head on my breast and enjoyed it very much. I probably should have replied what I was thinking, which was "I get that a lot" (especially lately from the littlest kitten), but I simply smiled at her, happy that I had made her happy.

I was also pleased to hear some people referencing Robert A. Heinlein, who often wrote stories including non-traditional love relationships. He's one of my all-time favorite authors, and while Time Enough for Love is my favorite (perhaps because it was my first, and I'm sloppily sentimental that way), I also love I Will Fear No Evil, The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress, and To Sail Beyond the Sunset. I found Friday kind of sad, though the group marriage concept was interesting.

Will I be back?

Probably as long as they'll have me. And I will continue to share what I can, without breaking the agreement for confidentiality.

Have you ever attended a Sex-Positive event?
What did you think?
Your thoughts?

Monday, November 3, 2014

Slut of the Month: Malala Yousafzai

As an American, it is sometimes impossible (and other times, all too easy), to imagine what we would do - what I would do - if my beloved country was taken over by religious extremists.

Malala Yousefzai doesn't have to imagine; she's living it. And she has the bullet wounds to prove it.

A SWAT That Once Upon a Time, Was Peaceful

When I think of Pakistan, I envision walled compounds on dry, dusty plains. Crowded cities full of big-eyed, emaciated children, and turbaned fanatics waving scary-looking weapons.

Yet this, too, is Pakistan.

Via Wikimedia Commons
Even after a devastating flood, Pakistan's Swat Valley is beautiful

The Swat Valley reminds me of the Crescenta Valley and San Gabriel mountains in Southern California, where I raised my own son. Mountainous, green, lush, somewhat secluded, if a bit overdeveloped and smoggier than the Swat Valley...

La Crescenta via Wikimedia
We all get very emotionally attached to the places we call home. And Malala's homesick longing for hers, a place from which she is currently exiled for her own safety - comes across clearly in the autobiography, I Am Malala.

Malala was named for a legendary Pashtun heroine, and though she has two younger brothers, to her father Ziauddin's credit, he recognized her brilliance early on, and encouraged it, rather than passing her over to focus on her brothers.

What surprised mewhen I read that book, was what a mishmash of culture Pakistan is/was. Intermittent electricity - and Ugly Betty DVD's.  There isn't public education, as there is in the US, but individuals - and, often, mullahs, may start local schools. Sometimes the schools started by the mullahs are the only game in town - and then parents must decide, do they send their sons (rarely daughters) to the extremist schools, and hope to counteract any religious teachings at home (much the way some Jewish parents send their kids to Catholic schools in the US), try to educate their children themselves, or leave them without ANY education?

Ziauddin Yousafzai decided on another path. He would start a school, not only to educate his addicted-to-learning daughter, but other girls, and boys, as well.

Malala started a blog for the BBC in 2009, when she was only 12, about the Taliban's threats to deny her (and other girls) an education. She began making speeches on the subject.

When She Was 14, the Taliban Issued Death Threats Against Her

Is there any message that shouts louder, "I have a teeny weenie, and an even small brain," than trying to keep others from an education, especially keeping girls from an education?

When She Was 15, Some Gutless Wonder Did Shoot Her

Got to wonder, if the brainwashed young man who fired three shots at her on 9 October 2012, feels more manly now. Or, does he wonder if all the propaganda he was fed was, in fact, neither effective nor true?

Because if anything, his act has brought more support to the cause of Malala and education for girls, worldwide.

The would-be assassin stopped the bus on the way back from the school.  Because it takes a lot of cojones to stop and start shooting at a bus full of young, unarmed schoolgirls. *rolling eyes*

Malala was critically wounded, while two other girls were also wounded. Luckily, between Pakistan treatment and an airlift to the UK, with intensive surgeries and therapy, she has (almost?) fully recovered.

To the Taliban, Malala is an outspoken slut, who should be silenced.

To the rest of the world, she's a heroine. 

And This Is Why Malala Deserved the Nobel Peace Prize

After she recovered, despite continuing death threats, she has continued advocating for the education of girls (and boys), worldwide.

The problem for the Taliban, is like the Christian far-right in the US, the Jewish far-right in the US and Israel, and the other Islamic extremists in many middle eastern counties, remains. When girls and boys receive a thorough education, they are much less likely to adopt extreme positions. 

The best antidote for hate and ignorance is education. And NOT letting extremists stand in the way, or to change the curriculum to nonsense, whether that means equating (Christian) creationism is a "thing" to be taught alongside evolution, or calling 8 year old girls whores  and spitting on them as they are walking to school

Malala shares the Nobel Peace Prize with  Kailash Satyarthi, longtime activist against child labor. And she has won dozens of other Awards, from the International Children's Peace Prize (2011), to Glamour Magazine's Woman of the Year (2013).

Curious about past sluts, from Russian Empresses to South African "curiosities" to Biblical villainesses? Listing of past Slut posts is here.

Would you take a stand you thought was right, even against death threats?
Has shooting anyone ever changed hearts and minds?
Your thoughts?

Monday, October 27, 2014

Need Some Slut Love?

Next week, this series will be back with the next Slut (and this one's not even 18!), but today I am guesting on Rebekah R. Ganiere's blog, with 3 Great Reasons To Be a Slut.

So, for those of you wondering about the dating thing... more on that, later. Suffice it to say I am finding men of interest, and vice versa. Now for a kitten update:

Picked up this little darling up from the vet on Monday night, following her spaying surgery.

I think I have settled on the name; Creativity, or Tivvy for short.  She has been someone shy at first, then a real sweetie once she gets warmed up, so Creativity seems to fit her.

But I'm not 100% sure.

The only thing I am sure if is that she is very sweet, very affectionate, very teething, and has very, VERY sharp little teeth.

So, what about the boy?

In the six weeks or so I've had him, Mojo has morphed into a sleek young teenager kitten (five months old).

His marking are gorgeous, if I do say myself (not that I had anything more to do with them than having the wit to pick him out.

Unfortunately, Mojo is twice Tivvy's size, and he wants to play with her, ALWAYS... and a little rough. After keeping them separate for most of the week, we began supervised playtime this weekend.

As you can see, while she is hiding in the bag, Tivvy is also initiating play. It has been hard for me to let her sort it out for herself, I want to protect her, but Mojo is learning to back off when she squeaks in protest.

This is from later in the weekend.

There is nothing as cute as sleepy babies - kittens, puppies, people...

And now they are learning to sleep together. Mojo's latest roughness is pinning her down and washing her face.

This time, I think it's gonna work out.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Kittens & Puppies & Mens, Oh My! (Adventures in Datingland)

I'm doing it. The dating thing.

And I am ALSO now raising two playful kittens.

Let me 'splain.

For years I was trying to find something, anything, to bring down the weight of my extremely obese cat, Metaphor, aka, Stinky. Diet pet food after diet pet food, New toys, which she would condescend to play with for three minute, then never again.

Did she LIKE the collar? No. Did she tolerate it, like so much else? Yep.

Finally it dawned on me, perhaps a playmate would encourage Stinky to move around. So I consulted experts and very carefully selected Motivation, aka, Mojo, and after the 2 week seclusion period, some extra time for him in the Cone of Shame (why can't males leave their danglies alone?!?), and some slow, supervised exposure, Stinky and Mojo seemed to be on the path to kitty friendship, if not yet at the playground.

Seems to me like she's saying, "Hey, maybe he isn't so bad, after all."

Next, Stinky got sick very suddenly, and I had to have her put down. Cue many tears, and then I was faced with a dilemma. Now I had a solo, five-month-old kitten who would be bored silly while I am at my day job all day. How can I be the best pet mommy to HIM?

Answer = Kitten #2. After crowdsourcing name ideas, I'm leaning toward Creativity, because she seems playful, but a little shy.  Tivvy for short.

About Those Puppies...

So while all of this cat drama is going on, I've signed up for the wonderful world of online dating.

While yes, the pictures I used for my profiles are more flattering than not, they're not glamour shots, photos I've seen of authors and others, which don't look anything like them, or are 30 years old. Just better lit, mostly. Here's a selfie I took last night, with the new kitten.

In my profile, I'm honest about my struggles with weight, in the first paragraph.

I put my real age right out there: [gulp] 53 years old.

I state, among other things, that I am looking for SINGLE guys, in my area, aged between 40 and 60.

So I'm getting messages from some men who actually fit that description. Yay! Also from guys who aren't local, or guys who are much, much older than 60.

I'm getting messages from skeevy married men who just want to have a sleazy affair or one night stand, on the down low.

And I'm getting very flattering messages from, I'm calling them puppies.  Here's a sampling (names changed to protect the guilty).

  • Hey, how's it going? My name is Adam. I would probably be way too nervous to come up to you in person, but I just wanted to say that I think you're absolutely beautiful!  Adam, age 25.
  • Would you be interested in a boy toy for the night? Ben, age 23
  • I guess you can say trying to be flirty, lol. I'm open to women outside range, and am talking to several 50+ women, what can I say, y'all are a bit of fun! To be honest though, I'd be more interested in hooking up than a relationship with someone north of 40. Casey, age 30
  • And I get that I am young, but age is all in the head. Mentally I connect with women in their 40s and 50s. It's who I'm attracted to. So if you can get over the age thing... lets chat.
    I am awfully good in bed so that's a huge plus right? :) Desi, age 34
  • I'm not all that intimidating, honestly. I'm pretty friendly. I'm a XXX by trade. And I've dated older women before, so you wouldn't be an "experiment," as it were. Eduardo, age 25.

Seriously, I know my face doesn't scare horses or small children, and on occasion, I do feel very pretty (cue Natalie Wood's vocal stand-in).  But is it so hard for a young guy to get laid that they're hitting on an overweight woman old enough to be their mother (or, in some cases, their grandmother)?

I haven't entirely ruled out playing with a puppy, but mostly, I feel too squeamish about it.

Especially the one who is the same height, age, and NAME as my son.

Poly Want A Partner?

On the other hand... not an insubstantial number of connections I've made have been men who state they are in open or polyamorous relationships.  Messages about being home alone, while the wife is out with her boyfriend.


Polyamory is based on the theory that people can enjoy more than one loving, sexual relationship at the same time. (As opposed to "swinging," which is more a series of flings.)

I find I'm kind of intrigued.  In my own history, yes, this has described me. I have enjoyed - and sometimes, felt guilty about - feeling deep love and sexual attraction to more than one man at a time. Sometimes I was open about it; sometimes I was not, but I always felt worse about the secret-keeping than the sex.

Have I found "my people?" I always felt homesick when I'd finish a Robert Heinlein book that described an extended, group marriage arrangement, from Stranger in a Strange Land to Friday to To Sail Beyond the Sunset.

Research is pointing more and more to the idea that monogamy isn't the only "natural" pairing for human beings, any more than heterosexuality is.  Both may be the most popular, but they don't meet the needs of every individual. It turns out, I already knew a few poly people, and  I like them, a lot. They don't have horns or hooves or anything unusual about them, except perhaps a greater appreciation for sensuality and openness about sex. (Kind like mine.)

So, I am joining a few poly and Sex-Positive Meet-Up groups and FaceBook Groups, and have checked out a library book on the subject that was recommended to me. I'm going very slow, feeling like Bambi's mother, cautiously sniffing the air and taking one tiny, cautious step at a time, before frolicking in the meadow. We all know that Bad Things happened when she forgot.

And that's not the kind of stuffed and mounted I'm looking for.

And while I am meeting and chatting with a variety of men, I am being careful, both with my person and with my heart.

Note: If you are going to be sexting, and if you are going to be sending selfie pictures of your favorite vibrator (I would never ever sext a picture that showed intimate body parts, not even a nipple), you just might want to either delete those pictures off your phone, or move them into another folder, before you let people scroll through your phone to look at your kitten pics.  Oops!

Have you known people who were openly polyamorous?
Had unusual online dating experiences?
Your thoughts?

Monday, October 20, 2014

She Ain't Your Typical Snow White

Because who hasn't wanted to read the story of Snow White, retold where she's an amazing badass? Who hunts vampires?

Pleased to welcome to Writing in Flow bestselling author Rebekah R. Ganiere, and her book, Snow The Vampire Slayer.
Lady Snow Gwyn is tired of playing "mother" to her seven Vampire Slaying brothers. For the past two years, she's yearned to be out there fighting at their side as they hunt for bloodsuckers in the black of night. Snow is as good a fighter as any man, but she wasn't called to be a Slayer. A mere formality in her book.

 Prince Sageren, Son of Lothar has spent the last fifty years in exile, awaiting the day when he can finally avenge his family and take back his throne. Barely existing, he's forced to face his inner demons and the monster he once was, compelling him to vow to never drink from humans again. A simple enough task--until he crosses paths with a human who makes his fangs ache to drain her.
When Snow runs into Prince Sage on a late night trip to the woods, she's torn between the urge to kill him and the desire to succumb to the feeling he stirs within her. And when Snow's life is threatened by the same evil that murdered his family, Prince Sage must enlist the aid of Snow's brothers to not only help him save her life, but to also regain his rightful place as King of the Vampires.
 If Sage can keep the Slayers from killing him first.

Sounds delish, amirite? Here's an excerpt:

Run away. Run now. He wanted to scream. But he couldn’t. Drink her dry. Make her your own and you’ll never be alone again. He pounded on his skull. His gaze met hers and he suddenly lost all reserve.

One moment he was inches away, the next he grabbed her braid and forced her body against his, crushing her lips with his own. His tongue plunged deep into her mouth. She stiffened at his touch initially, but then relaxed against him. He needed this.

Her supple body pressed against his, her curves sparking every inch of his skin to wake up and pay attention. Out of sheer will, he forced his fangs at bay. He wanted her all to himself at that moment. Just her. The feel of her lips on his lips. Her tongue danced and licked his with a palpable need. Her apparent lack of experience made Sage savor her all the more.

He was dangerously close to losing control. She pushed against him roughly and he let go. Her eyes widened before hardening. Quick as light, she swung to slap him, but he caught her wrist.

“You don’t want to do that, love. You’ll split your palm open again.”

“You had no right to kiss me.”

Need pounded through him, making his body quake. He let go of her wrist. “I didn’t see you protesting too much.”

“I…I…” Her mouth opened and closed several times, but no words formed.

His gaze trained on her throat. The pulsing vein and the thundering of her heartbeat called to him. He licked his lips.

He stepped forward, gripped her arms and locked his eyes with hers. Her pupils contracted and then flooded open.

“You will go straight to the cabin. You will get your things and you will run. Run ‘til you get safe in your bed. And when you wake up in the morning, you will remember nothing.”

Her eyes glazed over and he eased his grasp on her. She picked up her sword and ran. A minute later, the light in the cabin flickered out and the door slammed. Sage didn’t dare let himself even breathe until he knew she’d gone, for fear that he would chase her down and ravish her.

When he no longer heard her footsteps, he fell to his knees and clutched the bloodied gauze she’d left behind. So long he had been in exile, underground. So long he’d denied himself the companionship of a woman. And here, in the middle of a glade, he’d found her. His heart’s desire was a human. What the hell was he going to do now?


Rebekah R. Ganiere is an award winning author. Her novel Dead Awakenings, debuted in January 2014. Red the Were Hunter, the first in her Farielle Series, released in May. The second book Snow the Vampire Slayer was released in September 22, 2014. And her trilogy The Society will be released Nov. 17th 2014 by Kensington's Lyrical Press.

Rebekah is the VP of Communications of the RWA FFP Chapter as well as a member of her local Los Angeles and Orange County chapters. In her spare time when she isn't writing you can find her moderating on or hanging out with her husband, four children and her English Bulldog, rabbit, two bearded dragons, and two tortoises. 

The escaped snake has yet to be found.

Stalk Find Rebekah:

Or, ask Rebekah a question here.
I'll be guesting on her blog next Monday, yeah, me!