Monday, January 27, 2014

Rant On: Stop Mating Davina with Goliath

Am I only one bugged by seeing this duo pop up all over in romance? Davina, the heroine, is 5 foot nothing, possibly 100 pounds soaking wet, dainty (but always spunky and tough). Goliath, the hero, is 6'4"-6'6", extremely muscular, and with a gigantic peen that would make stallions check their envy at the gate.

According to Wikianswers, the average height for a man in the US is 5'10." This means there's a whole lot of guys under 5'10", as well as the basketball-player types.

I'm not an unbiased reader. I'm 5'9", and going all the way back to junior high, when I was taller than most of the boys in the class, I have personally experienced the reality that most boys (and men) won't even consider dating a woman their own height or, stars forbid, taller than they are (though there are a few brave and confident souls, bless 'em). Other tall women report the same thing.

So it's not just body jealousy because I will never be able to indulge in #Riccing. It's that the pool of date-able men for tall girls and women is already much smaller than the pool for the woman of average (5'5") height, let alone those just this side of being a hobbit.  So whenever I see a tiny woman hooking up with a tall guy, either IRL (in real life) or in fiction, part of me screams out:

Why can't you greedy bitches leave our men alone?

English: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith at ...
English: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith at The Nobel Peace Price Concert 2009 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
But okay, love is love, and love shouldn't have to consult a tape measure, right? I adore it when people fall in love and seem happy together, even people who appear somewhat of a physical mismatch, due to age, disability, skin color, religion, or weight or height variances. *cough* Jada Pinkett* *cough* *Will Smith*

I'm okay with the Davina and Goliath "thing" happening in fiction, with a few caveats:
  1. Mix it up a little. Don't make every story the Incredible Hulk getting it on with Thumbelina. That trope is becoming as overdone as the hot billionaire Dom partnering the naive virginal sub.
  2. Don't make it icky or unbelievable.
  3. Make sure your choreography works.

Goliath, you're a sick puppy.

Whenever I read a description as to how a huge, muscular guy has a constant boner for a diminutive woman, this little bitty thang who doesn't even come up to his shoulder, (in some cases, the author will emphasize how doll-like and/or childlike the hero thinks the heroine is) I don't think "sexy."

I think perv.

Authors, if you're going to write a huge height and weight difference, especially if the heroine is also ten years or more younger than the hero, please do not emphasize how young, fragile, or innocent the heroine appears.

Describing how her tiny, childlike hands could not fully encircle his ginormous swollen man-rod is not erotic, it's creepy. It makes everyone else 1) want to throw the book across the room, and 2) be afraid to try another of your stories.

Plus, the tree-trunk-sized penis you're "gifting" to your tall heroes? Nobody wants that.
I've discovered from friends and personal experience extensive research that:

  1. Height and build don't necessarily correlate to penis size.
  2. Ginormous penii don't make lovemaking better, they actually limit sex options.

"Big" is fine. Isn't being "big" good enough? For most women, the description of a man brutally ramming his tree trunk into our girly bits isn't titillating, it's terrifying.

Davina and Her Magic Vagina

For whatever reason, you've chosen to write an itsy-bitsy heroine. Maybe you yourself are a concentrated package of smexy hotness; maybe you always longed to be dainty and dangerous. If you must also write Goliath, instead of mating them like the sadistic experiment of a mad scientist, consider pairing each of them with a character who's a better physical fit.

He gets a woman he doesn't have to worry that he'll break, and she gets somebody who won't be the first to know she needs a roots touch-up.

Ben Stiller
Cover of Ben Stiller
Many of the world's sexiest men are under six feet tall:
Prince (5'2"). Kevin Hart (5'4"). Seth Green (5'4"). Gael Garcia Bernal (5'6"). Ben Stiller (5'7"). James Blunt (5'7"). Bruce Lee (5'7") Mark Wahlberg (5'8").  Johnny Depp (5'8"). Jackie Chan (5'9"). Taye Diggs (5'10") George Clooney is only 5'10"-ish (IMDb says 5'11").

Are you sure you can't write a sexy hero for your pint-sized heroine who's smaller than Godzilla?

But if you must write a Goliath-sized hero sporting a telephone pole-sized penis, and if you must pair him with a woman whose head doesn't quite reach his shoulder, and if her backstory is that she is either a virgin, or it has been eons since she's had a lover, and if her vagina is the tightest, wettest thing he's ever tried to wedge two fingers into...

Don't have Goliath ram that telephone pole between her legs five times in the first night, and then, the morning after, her girly bits ain't even the least bit tender.

I'm just sayin, this makes Davina appear freakish.

Dancing with the Diminutive

Granted, there are many exciting possibilities when you pair Goliath with Davina. he can pick her up and carry her (or, perhaps, tuck her in a pocket). In theory, it opens up the possibility of doing 69 from a standing position, with him totally holding the "spinner's" body in the air. (Though whenever I picture it, I always hope he doesn't relax too much when he finishes, and drop her on her head.)

That boner to crotch rubbing move, so beloved in romance? With Davina and Goliath, it's possible, but not at the same time the couple is kissing, and not without major accommodations.

"It's so nice to make love with my boyfriend now," sighed my 5'2" girlfriend, who began dating a man of 5'7", after being married to a man who was 6.' "I get to kiss him and be face-to-face when we make love, instead of being face-to-armpit."

Face-to-armpit, yum!

I've dated men who were, at 6'4" or 6'5," only 7-8 inches taller than me. Lining up lips, not to mention parts farther south, took effort and planning, regardless of whether we were horizontal or vertical.

So when our fictional couple has a 14"-16" difference in height, I know from personal experience extensive research that major adjustments and sacrifices must be made. Are they standing up, kissing?  She's got to be standing on a step, a box, or her tiptoes, and he's got to be bending down. If he is bending down to kiss her, he cannot also be rubbing his nips against her nips, unless he is some weird mutant creature with a snakey neck.

If he's not a dragon shapeshifter or otherwise haz magick, please take into consideration what the human body can actually do.

I'm not hating on Davina and Goliath, honest.

Well, maybe a little bit. I'm still mad about the dating-pool thing, plus I got stuck behind those two lovebirds at too many concerts, where she's all sexy-bopping on his shoulders and I couldn't see a damn thing.

Still, some of my favorite people in the world, like my son and his beloved, fit that trope. I adore them both, and they make a perfect couple.

Like interracial romance, May-December romance, and disability romance, to name a few, Davina paired with Goliath has to be done well, or it can be horrific. Or unintentionally hilarious.

Rant off, write on.

Is there a trope in romance or fiction that especially bugs you?
Your thoughts?

Enhanced by Zemanta