Monday, May 20, 2013

Mas-tur-BA-tion! Can Be Fu-un

Birds do it, bees do it... well, maybe not the birds and bees. They don't really have genitals the way humans and chimps do, and they don't have hands.

Not that lack of hands stops some creatures from showing themselves a good time. If you have a male dog, and he has a "lovey" object, be it a stuffed animal, wadded up blanket, your leg, or an actual dog sex toy, you know what I'm talkin' about.

More than 70-80% of women masturbate, and 90% of men masturbate. And the rest lie. (Joycelyn Elders)

So why does the thought or discussion of many sex acts, but especially, masturbation, make people want to get on their high horse and giddyap out of there?

We Can Do It - We Just Can't Talk About It

We feel embarrassed - maybe we were taught it was very, very bad. So we hide behind slang and euphemisms.

For gentlemen, we seem to go hard on the animal metaphors: 
Choking the chicken, cleaning your rifle, corking the bat, cranking the shank, cuffing the carrot, fisting your mister, flogging the log, flute solo, jerkin'the gherkin, manual override, painting the pickle, pocket pool, polishing the banister, polishing the rocket, pounding your flounder, pumping the python, spanking the monkey, teasing the weasel, wonking your cronker, yanking the crank... These are only a few of the terms.

For the ladies, our taste is more for food metaphors:
A night in with the girls, auditioning the finger puppets, checking for squirrels, clam bake for one,  drilling for oil, fanning the fur, fingerpainting, flickin' the bean, muffin buffin', paddling the pink canoe, polishing the pearl, riding the unicycle, rubbin' the nubbin, spearing the bearded clam, squeeze the peach, strumming the banjo, tickling the taco, tossing pink salad... (And yes, there's more.)

I'm Doing It For You, Honey - Masturbation Can Improve Your Partnered Sex Life

Why masturbation can be good for women, from Web MD
Women who masturbate on a regular basis learn what feels good for them, Segraves says. "It helps build sexual confidence," she says. "It helps you guide the partner when you have a partner.”

You can say, for instance: "Please put your hand here," and not be embarrassed, she says.

Women who use a vibrator during masturbation tend to have better sexual functioning with a partner, Herbenick says.

Sex therapists typically recommend masturbation for women who have a difficult time reaching orgasm. It can help them learn about their body and feel less self-conscious.

"We know that women compared to men have a harder time learning to orgasm," Herbenick says. Masturbating can help, and masturbating with a vibrator may help even more, she says. "Using a vibrator, for reasons we don't understand, helps women orgasm." The survey is published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Those who used a vibrator, she found, even if it had been a year since the last use, "had better sexual functioning in terms of vaginal lubrication, desire, arousal, and ease of orgasm, and they tended to have less pain or discomfort during intercourse."

Why masturbation can be good for men, from Web MD:
For various reasons, solo sex can be a real boon to sex with a partner. It helps teach men about their own sexual response -- what feels good to them and what doesn't -- so they will be better able to explain to their partners just how they like to be touched. It helps men learn to recognize the "moment of inevitability" just before orgasm and helps teach them how to avoid premature ejaculation. Perhaps most significant, it's a great coping mechanism for any man whose partner is temporarily unavailable for sex -- because of absence or illness -- or has a sex drive that doesn't quite match his own (something sex therapists call a disparity in frequency preference).

There are a small handful of ways that masturbation can be harmful. If we masturbate so often it becomes, basically, our day job - we frequently turn down social invitations so we can stay home "playing one-handed poker," this is a problem. Or if we are partnered, and come to look at soloing as better and preferable to interacting with our partner, rather than a supplementary activity.

An erotic activity that takes a huge amount of partner trust is to masturbate while our partner watches us, and vice versa. It can be hard, pun intended, to add this to our couples' repertoire, but with the right partner, it is SO hot.

While masturbation will not give us any diseases, can't get us pregnant, and won't grow hair on our palms (unless we get our Rogaine and lubricant mixed up), we can, if masturbating to excess, develop a skin irritation, especially if our hands or other objects are not clean. When in doubt, always consult a medical professional.

Speaking of other objects - while spontaneity and using what we find around the house can be exciting, we need to be very careful about what we insert in our various orifices. There are hundreds of sites showing x-rays of weird items people stuck "up there" and had to go to the emergency room to have removed: keys, flashlights (searching for the keys, maybe?), perfume bottles, light bulbs, matchbox cars...

The Objects of My Affection


While some men are perfectly happy with a Kleenex and some hand lotion, maybe an adult flick on the TV or computer, many women, like me, like to use a vibrator. Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes, including some that look like a lipstick or mascara and many that can be recharged with a USB connection. Even a Hello Kitty model which is about the last thing that would ever "do it" for me, but I'm tryin' not to judge...

I live in drought-prone California, so I feel too guilty to enjoy a long, luxurious showers. But if you live in an area where water is abundant, a good handheld shower massager could become your new best friend.

There are a variety of sex toys for men, too, from textured sleeves to artificial vaginas and vibrating rings. And nipple clamps and lubricating lotions and butt plugs and "eggs" for both sexes, if that's something we'd like to play with. Much better than a matchbox car.

We can visit an adult novelty store in person (I love The Pleasure Chest!)  - go solo, with a partner, or with a friend - or, if we feel too shy or are too busy to go in person, buy online.

Self Serve Toys comes highly recommended by a girlfriend. They offer video advice on buying your first sex toy, and can even help you choose eco-friendly products.

Adam&Eve has a wide selection, too. You can even buy sex toys on Amazon, for cryin' out loud. Get your 50 Shades of Grey and your toys at the same time. (Actually, don't get 50 Shades. If you want good erotica, try Eden Bradley/Eve Berlin, Roni Loren, Maya Banks, Roz Lee, Sylvia Day, and Anaïs Nin, instead.)

My friend Chris Lam of What I Run Into pointed me to this pretty pink cartoon, about my own favorite toy, the Magic Wand. *can't help smiling* One of my boyfriends dubbed mine "The Jackhammer," and I chortled out loud to see that this artist uses the same name for it.

Please go to Oh Joy Sex Toy for the rest of this hilarious illustrated product review.
Very NSFW (Not Safe For Work)

We're Not Only the Talent, But The Casting Agency, Screenwriter, and Director.

When we masturbate, we can go for a fast and dirty O, or we can seduce ourselves. Bubble bath, candles, glass of wine and soft music... Because we're worth it.

It's like we're making our own adult flick, with ourselves as the star... only without the cameras. Most women and men like to fantasize when they masturbate. Relive a particularly exciting moment between the sheets (or where ever it was.) Think of somebody who makes you tingle.

George Clooney
Cover of George Clooney
Soooo hot, IMO

Queen Latifah
 Cover of Queen Latifah
So beautiful. If I was gay or bi...

  You like men in uniform? Two (or more) at a time? Role playing?

There is no "wrong" fantasy. Why not try something we wouldn't normally do, and pay attention to how it makes us feel. If we're used to making love quietly, we can make some noise. If we have a partner who likes us noisy (I had one partner who wanted so much dirty talk I felt like I was doing a running commentary on Sport Center), we can try hushing up the sound effects.

We can read something sexy and masturbate, or watch some p0rn (there is, actually, a fair amount produced for the couples or women's market). The beauty of masturbating is that we are in total control.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. (Lily Tomlin)

Life is too short not to love ourselves.

Did you learn anything new here today?
Do you have your own toys?
Got any to recommend?

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