Monday, June 10, 2013

Help Me, Help Me - Headshot Hell

Am I the only one this happens to?

Somebody whips out a camera. Photos are taken.
I do not understand who that overweight, squint-eyed, limp-haired old cow is who keeps sneaking into my pictures and substituting herself, or how she manages it.

Bitch should be teaching a course at Hogwarts, cuz clearly, she knows magick.

I know what I look like (in my mind): younger, thinner, my eyes attractively open yet without that deer-in-the-headlights look one gets when trying not to squint; my glistening, shiny hair always blowing attractive in the breeze yet never in my face. You know.

Can't get digital images of my fantasy, however. And I need some new headshots for professional purposes; for FB and Twitter and GoodReads and LinkedIn and WordPress and and and.

Though I'm a slow learner, I figured out that my usual picture gathering technique was not giving me the best results. That would be bugging a friend to take one at some social event, when s/he is half-hammered and in a hurry to just get it over with and go get a beer and meanwhile I am trying not to step in a pile of backyard dog bombs,

I decided to go with a pro.

I'd also heard you should "make love to the camera."

I opted for the next best thing.

Evidence suggests the man used a camera.
Oddly, I don't remember seeing it.
Kirk McKenzie Photography
Seriously, although Kirk is the long (6'4") lean, lanky type many of us prefer (+brenda moguez), and no longer young enough to offer a pacifier to, he is experienced, professional, and tolerated my slutty teasing with great humor and patience. I highly recommend his work to anyone in the south-central Oregon area.

And he took photos that I don't absolutely hate. Despite the fact that he had to delete about a couple hundred where I closed my eyes or mastered some other horrifying look.

So, I need help. 

I need to choose one headshot photo with a light/white background.

Here's the candidates:

A - Light Background
B - Light Background
C- Light Background
cleavage cropped out

I also need a head shot to be the new "master" shot, to use on Twitter, Google+, FaceBook, Pinterest, all the places.  It can be one of the three above, or it can be one of these:

D - Black Background
Me: Can you make me look like I just had the best sex of my life?
Kirk: Not with a camera.

With these next two, Kirk really liked the effect of the sun behind my head.

E- Nature

F- Nature

I am not so sure about the bed-hair look.

Nor the double chins.

I can keep the cleavage, or crop it out. (Unlike real life.)

One friend commented that shot E makes me look "friendly." Mebbe.
Aebleskivers via Wikimedia

But I want to look "friendly" in a, "I can show you an incredibly good time, either up close-and-personal, or in my sexy stories and novels," way, not friendly in a, "Ja, ja, I vill make you some aebleskivers mit jam und cream, fatten you up, ja?" way.

Though if you play your cards right, aebleskivers can be arranged.

These, below, are more what I was thinking of, in terms of the wind-blown hair. But the wild red streak in my hair ain't showing (though my bitchin' native American-made earrings are).

Both these two have the cleavage cropped out - the originals are similar to the "I" shot.

I - Nature, with cleavage
It is a slightly different shot than H,
if you look closely at the hair.
So, my friends & colleagues, what do you think? Yes, I want to look semi-professional, but I also want to look like me - having fun, enjoying (or fantasizing about) sex, and loving life.

What's your pick(s) for me?
For the light background shot? For the "master" shot?
Keep "the girls" or lose the cleavage?
Answer in the comments.

Thanks in advance for your help.

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