Monday, April 16, 2012

A-Z: Crappy Horoscope? Check Out Numerology

I could give you a lot of horse manure mystic mumbo-jumbo pseudo-scientific blather about how numerology dates back to the Persians or the Chariots of the Gods or some such, but what it really boils down to is this:

Numerology is mostly for those who believe in horoscopes, but ended up with a crappy one.  Since there's absolutely nothing you can do to change the time and date when your mom squirted you out (or, à la CakeWrecks, the minute  you made an Alien-like exit from her body), if your horoscope sucks, you can change your life via numerology.

Woo-oooo. Heavy, man.

This is why sites like Numerology at Cafe Astrology is one of:
My 26 Favorite Ways to Piss Away Time Do Valuable Research on the Interwebs.

There's the Abjad system and the Pythagorean system and Chinese and Indian. There are many sites where, just like your zodiac chart, you can have your numerology chart done in precise detail for only [insert astronomical fee here]. But here's the basics from Cafe Astrology:

Name Number

Use the birth name--the name given a person at birth--to determine the Name Number (also known as the Expression Number), which reveals the overall personality. To calculate the name number, find the number that corresponds to each letter in the name in the chart below, add the numerals up, and then "reduce" the final number to a single digit, as you did with the birth path number, above.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

So, my name:
B + E + V + E + R + L + Y + D + I + E + H + L
2 + 5 + 4 + 5 + 9 + 3 + 7 + 4 + 9 + 5 + 8 + 3 = 65 = 6 + 5 = 11 = 1 + 1 = 2

Number Two This is the mediator and peace-lover. The number two indicates the desire for harmony. It is a gentle, considerate, and sensitive vibration. Ruled by the Moon.
Keywords: diplomatic, warm, peaceful, sensitive. If expressed negatively: too dependent, manipulative, passive-aggressive.
As lovers: Number Twos will bend over backwards to keep a relationship running smoothly. They offer emotional security to their lovers. The number two is associated with the Moon and, since the Moon rules Cancer in astrology, is similar to the Cancer vibration.
Okay, I'm gagging. This is lovely, really nice and all that, but I don't want to be the person who "sacrifices all for harmony." Or is manipulative and passive-aggressive. Plus - does anyone think of me as being gentle, considerate, and sensitive?  (Of course, I am all those things, secretly, but it's not really my public persona, you know?

So, let me change my name up a little bit. Because you can do that with numbers.

B + E + V + D + I + E + H + L
2 + 5 + 4 + 4 + 9 + 5 + 8 + 3 = 40 = 4 + 0 = 4

Number Four This is the worker. Practical, with a love of detail, Fours are trustworthy, hard-working, and helpful. Ruled by Uranus.
Keywords: trustworthy, helpful, steady, logical, self-disciplined, problem-solving. If expressed negatively: contrary, stubborn, narrow.
Meh. There was more, but I was falling asleep. Not likin' that any better; sounds like Bree Walker from Desperate Housewives in slo-mo.  Maybe I should get more creative with my name. Beverli (with a little heart above the i)? Too cutesy. Beverleigh? Too long. B'verly? Too ridiculous.
But wait, some sites suggest you start with your full given name at birth. When I add my full middle name to the mix (nothing surprisingly or outlandish, but I'm not disclosing it. I've got to keep a few secrets)  my number becomes a THREE. Now here's what we're talking about, bay-bee, this is so me (or at least, the me I'd like to be):

Number Three  Number Three is a sociable, friendly, and outgoing vibration. Kind, positive, and optimistic, Three's enjoy life and have a good sense of humor. Ruled by Jupiter.
Keywords: jovial, friendly, positive, adventurous, self-expressive. If expressed negatively: extravagant, scattered, superficial.
As lovers: Number Threes are fun, energetic, and willing to experiment. These lovers need space and contact with others in order to feel content. If they feel confined, they will be unhappy and restless. Allowed the freedom to socialize and scatter their energies, they are exciting and happy lovers.
Zing!  Maybe the Pythagoreans were onto something; otherwise how would they know all my kinks?

If, after all the permutations you still have both a lame horoscope and a lame birth name, you can always marry and change your name, but be careful.  My dear friend ended up becoming an Annis - which may be a perfectly honorable name and all that, but really? Trust me, her kids did not have an easy time at roll call in middle school.

Or you can chose a pen name, but obviously, you must pick one which does not suck. You want one that screams: "Sells lots of books" or "Successful in life and love" as opposed to "can be a doormat; easily taken advantage of."

My A-Z theme is My 26 Favorite Ways to Piss Away Time Do Valuable Research on the Interwebs.

Truly, sometimes an idea from a "pointless" fun site or post or photograph does result in pages and pages of writing. Or at least a blog post or two.

Have you calculated your fate via numerology?
Is it you all the way, or is it total horse shit somewhat off-target?
Got other fun sites beginning with the letter "N"?
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